I became vegetarian about 2 1/2 years ago while living in Thailand. I'd known for a long time that whenever I did take a good look at the impact of my eating habits, I would probably wind up turning veg or would face some sort of crisis around food. It happened.
I was working with Burmese refugees and it occurred to me that I cared a lot about human suffering, but was that it? I gave all of my self every day to working for people and being an advocate. I saw, though, that compassion doesn't choose a cause, compassion is a way of being in the world. Acting mindfully toward other living beings, people and animals; caring for the environment; looking after myself. All of it is intertwined. When I reflected on this one day I realized that I needed to stop eating meat.
Imperfectly the journey began, and it's gotten easier and easier to avoid meat and happily eat everything else the world has to offer.
Just a few days ago I finished "Eating Animals" by Jonathan Safran Foer. When I started the book, I expected to learn something but I didn't expect to feel driven to change myself. I am, after all, already a vegetarian, right? SO wrong.
I've "slipped" occasionally over the past two years and eaten meat. I've done it to be polite, just because I had a craving, or genuinely by accident. Until very recently I ate eggs and some dairy products. Even as I've been cutting dairy and eggs out of my cooking and grocery shopping, I never ever think twice about it when I'm eating out.
As I sat in bed, with my dog curled up next to me, and read about factory farming I was compelled to turn away from the page in horror and disgust. I knew what the reality is, but I never really made myself look at it. I've been protecting myself from committing to real lifestyle changes that matter. I've done this because it's inconvenient to deviate so much from the norm.
Honestly, now I'm confused. Even staunch advocates discuss the option of being a "selective omnivore" or of doing what you think you can. Do they say that to be inclusive? To avoid alienating people who might make some changes but would be intimidated or alienated by a hardline approach? What is my responsibility? I suppose that's between me and my conscience.
What we eat is an animal welfare issue, a human rights issue, a public health issue, and an environmental issue. I'm not sure that there is any limit to my responsibility. The choices I make matter. If only so that I can sleep at night.
Now, though I'm wondering how much I can do? How far can I go? I think I can give up eggs and dairy for the most part. I can avoid buying animal products for clothing...I think. But what about grain farming practices that are abusive to the ecosystem and farmers? Does that matter? Should I give up soy? How do I make these decisions?
And it's still inconvenient. And that's the truth.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
The Grad Student Yogi
Graduate school is throwing my yoga practice for a loop. Which is to say, really, that it's throwing my life into total, patas arriba confusion.
I see my life as my practice. Yoga, Buddhism, Meditation, whatever lens I'm applying in the moment (and they're all the same at the end of the day) provide frameworks for how I try to approach every moment in my life. Walking the dog. Doing the dishes. Studying. Going to class. having feelings. Studying. Eating. Studying. Everything I do I try to do with mindfulness and compassion.
Grad school makes this hard.
Feeling like I'm just barely keeping my head above water all the time has created a situation in which it's very hard for me to hold myself and my struggle with compassion. It's also led to my constantly questioning whether it is really a good idea to "do your best and let it be." How do I know when I'm doing my best? How much sleep or yoga practice or whatever else do I need to miss for my work to be hard enough? And what if it isn't enough?
I suppose, though, I can perhaps shift my practice a little by taking a wider view of my situation. As my Laura taught me, I can pull my perspective back to a broader view of the situation and hold everything with compassion including how hard it is to be kind to myself.
I see my life as my practice. Yoga, Buddhism, Meditation, whatever lens I'm applying in the moment (and they're all the same at the end of the day) provide frameworks for how I try to approach every moment in my life. Walking the dog. Doing the dishes. Studying. Going to class. having feelings. Studying. Eating. Studying. Everything I do I try to do with mindfulness and compassion.
Grad school makes this hard.
Feeling like I'm just barely keeping my head above water all the time has created a situation in which it's very hard for me to hold myself and my struggle with compassion. It's also led to my constantly questioning whether it is really a good idea to "do your best and let it be." How do I know when I'm doing my best? How much sleep or yoga practice or whatever else do I need to miss for my work to be hard enough? And what if it isn't enough?
I suppose, though, I can perhaps shift my practice a little by taking a wider view of my situation. As my Laura taught me, I can pull my perspective back to a broader view of the situation and hold everything with compassion including how hard it is to be kind to myself.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Tim Wise at Tufts
Tim Wise came to speak at school this week and it was awesome.
Coming at a time when I've been grappling with issues of nebulous-but-definitely-there sexism it was very moving/upsetting/comforting to hear him speak.
Wise is an anti-racism writer who I have never actually read. That's not true, I've read articles, but I've never read any of his books. Now I'm going to.
He spoke articulately about institutionalized racism and touched on gender inequity. What I took from his talk is the importance of being aware, upset, informing ourselves, and taking action...What's important?
NOT MAKING EXCUSES AND REFUSING TO PASS THE BUCK
He said that guilt is something we feel because of something we've done, and responsibility is something we take because of the kind of person we are.
Fuck yes, Tim Wise. Preach it.
I came away comforted, knowing now that all of my discomfort around gender issues at Fletcher is completely valid and founded. I was reminded that people like to pretend that these things don't happen and that they don't like to take responsibility. I was inspired because it was confirmed for me that my anger and my desire to create change is a sign of my own character and nothing more or less.
Coming at a time when I've been grappling with issues of nebulous-but-definitely-there sexism it was very moving/upsetting/comforting to hear him speak.
Wise is an anti-racism writer who I have never actually read. That's not true, I've read articles, but I've never read any of his books. Now I'm going to.
He spoke articulately about institutionalized racism and touched on gender inequity. What I took from his talk is the importance of being aware, upset, informing ourselves, and taking action...What's important?
NOT MAKING EXCUSES AND REFUSING TO PASS THE BUCK
He said that guilt is something we feel because of something we've done, and responsibility is something we take because of the kind of person we are.
Fuck yes, Tim Wise. Preach it.
I came away comforted, knowing now that all of my discomfort around gender issues at Fletcher is completely valid and founded. I was reminded that people like to pretend that these things don't happen and that they don't like to take responsibility. I was inspired because it was confirmed for me that my anger and my desire to create change is a sign of my own character and nothing more or less.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Grad School Begins
I'm now in my fourth week of my graduate program here in Boston. I'm here to work toward my Master's degree in Law and Diplomacy, which is an absurd way of saying international affairs.
Being on track to work my way back to Thailand, to my purpose, to living my goals and personal mission is wonderful. Knowing that studying subjects like Corporate Finance and Quantitative Methods will make me more able to contribute to work in my field of choice is incredibly motivating. I'm focused on my goals and a summer internship back in Thailand and I feel very empowered and on track.
I'm also learning a lot outside of the classroom. My biggest lesson so far has been one I certainly didn't anticipate and have been very reluctant to learn. Institutional Sexism is alive and well and I had no idea that it could have an impact on my own life and ability to thrive.
I grew up in a family full of powerful, educated, and working women. My great aunts were all educated up through college during the Great Depression. One of my grandmothers had her Bachelor's degree and the other had a couple more years schooling than her husband. My aunts all completed college and two of them are high-powered business executives. As a CEO, my grandfather hired and promoted amazing women who were fixtures of my childhood. My mother raised us four kids alone and did an awesome job.
My education was, I see now, very skewed in favor of gender equity and God help you if you didn't watch your language around issues of identity and sexuality. An all-girls high school (second best school in the state of Washington) prepared me for an education at one of the most liberal and gay-friendly colleges in the United States, Sarah Lawrence College.
Coming from all of that, I went into the world with an open mind and heart. I saw people as people and understood issues around gender and inequality as difficult and culturally contextual. Gender inequity is ubiquitous and, somehow, while I've lived through some very serious events that never would have happened if it weren't for rampant sexism present in society today, most of MY world was still safe and liberal. I surrounded myself with informed liberals who watched their language and were hyper-aware of inclusivity and political correctness.
Then I started grad school.
Now, I'm in a place that's supposed to be a relatively liberal, globally-minded institution for higher education and the training of the soon-to-be practitioners of international policy, law, and business. This horrifies me. People here often don't watch their language. Most seem to be blissfully unaware of the fact that they're being exclusive when they are. Political correctness...it seems that people here think that they are so evolved that they are beyond a need for it. Women who are in the top fraction of a fraction of education and privilege in the world giggle and defer to the guys because they're "at the time and place in my life to be looking to meet someone."
The Gender Equity Group spent all of last year on a major research project on gender inequity at Fletcher. Now they have this significant piece of research that they don't seem to want to do anything with because they don't want to damage the school's reputation and, by extension, the value of their degrees.
I'm angry and frustrated. I'm tired. I'm sad. I feel overwhelmed and I don't know what to do. This is not at all the community of learning I was looking forward to and if I weren't such a fighter and a believer in acting on principle I would leave this place today.
Too, I have my eyes on the goal of going home to Thailand and the people I love there. In the moments I most want to leave I look at the ring my beautiful staff members gave to me as a going-away present and I remember why I'm here at all.
Being on track to work my way back to Thailand, to my purpose, to living my goals and personal mission is wonderful. Knowing that studying subjects like Corporate Finance and Quantitative Methods will make me more able to contribute to work in my field of choice is incredibly motivating. I'm focused on my goals and a summer internship back in Thailand and I feel very empowered and on track.
I'm also learning a lot outside of the classroom. My biggest lesson so far has been one I certainly didn't anticipate and have been very reluctant to learn. Institutional Sexism is alive and well and I had no idea that it could have an impact on my own life and ability to thrive.
I grew up in a family full of powerful, educated, and working women. My great aunts were all educated up through college during the Great Depression. One of my grandmothers had her Bachelor's degree and the other had a couple more years schooling than her husband. My aunts all completed college and two of them are high-powered business executives. As a CEO, my grandfather hired and promoted amazing women who were fixtures of my childhood. My mother raised us four kids alone and did an awesome job.
My education was, I see now, very skewed in favor of gender equity and God help you if you didn't watch your language around issues of identity and sexuality. An all-girls high school (second best school in the state of Washington) prepared me for an education at one of the most liberal and gay-friendly colleges in the United States, Sarah Lawrence College.
Coming from all of that, I went into the world with an open mind and heart. I saw people as people and understood issues around gender and inequality as difficult and culturally contextual. Gender inequity is ubiquitous and, somehow, while I've lived through some very serious events that never would have happened if it weren't for rampant sexism present in society today, most of MY world was still safe and liberal. I surrounded myself with informed liberals who watched their language and were hyper-aware of inclusivity and political correctness.
Then I started grad school.
Now, I'm in a place that's supposed to be a relatively liberal, globally-minded institution for higher education and the training of the soon-to-be practitioners of international policy, law, and business. This horrifies me. People here often don't watch their language. Most seem to be blissfully unaware of the fact that they're being exclusive when they are. Political correctness...it seems that people here think that they are so evolved that they are beyond a need for it. Women who are in the top fraction of a fraction of education and privilege in the world giggle and defer to the guys because they're "at the time and place in my life to be looking to meet someone."
The Gender Equity Group spent all of last year on a major research project on gender inequity at Fletcher. Now they have this significant piece of research that they don't seem to want to do anything with because they don't want to damage the school's reputation and, by extension, the value of their degrees.
I'm angry and frustrated. I'm tired. I'm sad. I feel overwhelmed and I don't know what to do. This is not at all the community of learning I was looking forward to and if I weren't such a fighter and a believer in acting on principle I would leave this place today.
Too, I have my eyes on the goal of going home to Thailand and the people I love there. In the moments I most want to leave I look at the ring my beautiful staff members gave to me as a going-away present and I remember why I'm here at all.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Yogatastic!
I feel like it's time to revive this thing. So here I am.
It's been a complicated time since I moved back to Seattle from Thailand. As my very wonderful friend puts it, I've spent a lot of time taking myself apart and putting myself back together again. I feel like it's been a productive use of my time.
I'll be starting grad school at Tufts University's Fletcher School of Law and Diplomacy in September. Despite a few moments of panic and uncertainty about moving for the...seventh time in eight years and starting school again I am feeling really excited about the move and the program.
Right now, the biggest thing on my mind is yoga. I started practicing the January after I returned from Thailand and have made my way to the Samarya Center (www.samaryacenter.org) pretty regularly since then. At first I was all about the Ashtanga primary series but have since branched out, mostly because I don't always want to get up at 6 am for an early class.
I turned to yoga originally because of my desire to find a substitute or complement to the buddhist teachings I'd had easy access to in Thailand. I hadn't found a sangha I liked in Seattle so yoga seemed the next logical step. I couldn't have done better than Samarya. They care as much about "big yoga" as asana and are so consistent in emphasizing embracing your own process that I feel there has been a profound shift in myself over the past year and a bit.
Now, I'm preparing to leave for their two-week yoga teacher training retreat on Friday and I'm a little terrified and a little excited and a little wondering why I signed on for this. I'm very excited by the prospect of being taught to teach yoga effectively. Service in any form is something that lights me up from the inside so I'm just beside myself at the idea of being able to offer something like yoga to others.
I don't know how this whole thing is going to go down, but I'm hopeful and actually really pleased to watch myself adopt a beginner's mind attitude.
I suppose this leads me to reflect on how this last year or so has been for me. When I observe myself now, I see that I'm probably less reactive than I used to be. I also obsess less. I let things go more. But none of this comes naturally. That has probably been the hardest lesson of the two or so years I've been a meditator and the year I've been practicing yoga. All of these things that are supposed to come to you when you take on these disciplines don't just happen. You sometimes watch yourself WANT to react and WANT to judge sometimes and learn to watch those urges pass rather than act on them. You don't stop having the feelings, you just stop having to let the world know about them impulsively. I've had a hard year, so often I watch myself get really really angry or upset or frustrated and sometimes I just let it out, but sometimes I observe the feeling until it passes or I talk about it rather than yell in traffic.
There is a way to have compassion for yourself. I didn't learn that growing up and I have to remind myself regularly now that I'm 25 and can take care of myself. But it is such a relief to be on my own side when I'm not feeling awesome. And it makes me a much more giving and compassionate person.
If I have one practice for today I think I would like it to be to remember to be aware of my self-judgment and compassionate for all of my inner workings.
Peace.
It's been a complicated time since I moved back to Seattle from Thailand. As my very wonderful friend puts it, I've spent a lot of time taking myself apart and putting myself back together again. I feel like it's been a productive use of my time.
I'll be starting grad school at Tufts University's Fletcher School of Law and Diplomacy in September. Despite a few moments of panic and uncertainty about moving for the...seventh time in eight years and starting school again I am feeling really excited about the move and the program.
Right now, the biggest thing on my mind is yoga. I started practicing the January after I returned from Thailand and have made my way to the Samarya Center (www.samaryacenter.org) pretty regularly since then. At first I was all about the Ashtanga primary series but have since branched out, mostly because I don't always want to get up at 6 am for an early class.
I turned to yoga originally because of my desire to find a substitute or complement to the buddhist teachings I'd had easy access to in Thailand. I hadn't found a sangha I liked in Seattle so yoga seemed the next logical step. I couldn't have done better than Samarya. They care as much about "big yoga" as asana and are so consistent in emphasizing embracing your own process that I feel there has been a profound shift in myself over the past year and a bit.
Now, I'm preparing to leave for their two-week yoga teacher training retreat on Friday and I'm a little terrified and a little excited and a little wondering why I signed on for this. I'm very excited by the prospect of being taught to teach yoga effectively. Service in any form is something that lights me up from the inside so I'm just beside myself at the idea of being able to offer something like yoga to others.
I don't know how this whole thing is going to go down, but I'm hopeful and actually really pleased to watch myself adopt a beginner's mind attitude.
I suppose this leads me to reflect on how this last year or so has been for me. When I observe myself now, I see that I'm probably less reactive than I used to be. I also obsess less. I let things go more. But none of this comes naturally. That has probably been the hardest lesson of the two or so years I've been a meditator and the year I've been practicing yoga. All of these things that are supposed to come to you when you take on these disciplines don't just happen. You sometimes watch yourself WANT to react and WANT to judge sometimes and learn to watch those urges pass rather than act on them. You don't stop having the feelings, you just stop having to let the world know about them impulsively. I've had a hard year, so often I watch myself get really really angry or upset or frustrated and sometimes I just let it out, but sometimes I observe the feeling until it passes or I talk about it rather than yell in traffic.
There is a way to have compassion for yourself. I didn't learn that growing up and I have to remind myself regularly now that I'm 25 and can take care of myself. But it is such a relief to be on my own side when I'm not feeling awesome. And it makes me a much more giving and compassionate person.
If I have one practice for today I think I would like it to be to remember to be aware of my self-judgment and compassionate for all of my inner workings.
Peace.
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