Yogatastic!

I feel like it's time to revive this thing. So here I am.

It's been a complicated time since I moved back to Seattle from Thailand. As my very wonderful friend puts it, I've spent a lot of time taking myself apart and putting myself back together again. I feel like it's been a productive use of my time.

I'll be starting grad school at Tufts University's Fletcher School of Law and Diplomacy in September. Despite a few moments of panic and uncertainty about moving for the...seventh time in eight years and starting school again I am feeling really excited about the move and the program.

Right now, the biggest thing on my mind is yoga. I started practicing the January after I returned from Thailand and have made my way to the Samarya Center (www.samaryacenter.org) pretty regularly since then. At first I was all about the Ashtanga primary series but have since branched out, mostly because I don't always want to get up at 6 am for an early class.

I turned to yoga originally because of my desire to find a substitute or complement to the buddhist teachings I'd had easy access to in Thailand. I hadn't found a sangha I liked in Seattle so yoga seemed the next logical step. I couldn't have done better than Samarya. They care as much about "big yoga" as asana and are so consistent in emphasizing embracing your own process that I feel there has been a profound shift in myself over the past year and a bit.

Now, I'm preparing to leave for their two-week yoga teacher training retreat on Friday and I'm a little terrified and a little excited and a little wondering why I signed on for this. I'm very excited by the prospect of being taught to teach yoga effectively. Service in any form is something that lights me up from the inside so I'm just beside myself at the idea of being able to offer something like yoga to others.

I don't know how this whole thing is going to go down, but I'm hopeful and actually really pleased to watch myself adopt a beginner's mind attitude.

I suppose this leads me to reflect on how this last year or so has been for me. When I observe myself now, I see that I'm probably less reactive than I used to be. I also obsess less. I let things go more. But none of this comes naturally. That has probably been the hardest lesson of the two or so years I've been a meditator and the year I've been practicing yoga. All of these things that are supposed to come to you when you take on these disciplines don't just happen. You sometimes watch yourself WANT to react and WANT to judge sometimes and learn to watch those urges pass rather than act on them. You don't stop having the feelings, you just stop having to let the world know about them impulsively. I've had a hard year, so often I watch myself get really really angry or upset or frustrated and sometimes I just let it out, but sometimes I observe the feeling until it passes or I talk about it rather than yell in traffic.

There is a way to have compassion for yourself. I didn't learn that growing up and I have to remind myself regularly now that I'm 25 and can take care of myself. But it is such a relief to be on my own side when I'm not feeling awesome. And it makes me a much more giving and compassionate person.

If I have one practice for today I think I would like it to be to remember to be aware of my self-judgment and compassionate for all of my inner workings.

Peace.