Today was my first day in camp. It was incredible how wonderfully familiar so many things were, the thatched roofs on little bamboo homes, bumpy roads and NGO signs everywhere. The smells of cheroots and betel nut took me right back to 2 years ago. The taste of Karen food and white rice almost made me tear up. The familiarity of everything, in spite of the newness, is almost more disorientating than a completely new and different experience would be. Words in Karen and Burmese that I didn't remember have started coming back, and I don't know how to feel about all of it. Mostly content, I think. Sort of unsettled also.
I'm excited and intimidated to be beginning this work, this project I have ahead of me. I know it's all a learning experience, and I also know that it won't all go according to plan. Right now that feels exciting, I'm pretty sure it won't when things start going wrong.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Whoa! It flushes?: Arriving in Mae Sot
I arrived in Mae Sot yesterday and this place has changed.
There used to be maybe 3 restaurants that had gringo food, a 7-11, a small supermarket which was very new when I arrived and...I think that was about it in terms of big city-type conveniences. Now there are at least 4 7-11's, a KFC, and more gringo-serving restaurants than I would have ever expected. There's also a new bar called "Expat Bar." If that isn't telling, I don't know what is.
My new place is very different from anywhere I've lived in Thailand. It's an apartment in a concrete building across the street from a small market and maybe 15 minutes biking to the city center. I have wifi, aircon, a tv with cable (3 english channels!) and a flushing toilet. I've never lived with a flushing toilet in this country! I don't know what to do with myself, it feels like all of the things that made life interesting, challenging and fun are missing from my experience this time around. I suppose that just means that I'm going to have a whole new experience, which is just fine.
I'm going to start Thai lessons later this week. I never studied Thai when I lived here before and I really should have. I learned plenty to get by, but it would be fantastic to be more competent. I am a little torn, though. Given that I work with Burmese it would be so useful to learn that as well, or even instead. I know that I'll have opportunity to practice both and in two months I can't learn much of either, let alone both.
Seeing old friends and feeling as though things are very familiar is helping me feel grounded, though it's definitely strange to have been gone so long and then come back like this. Everything's changed and nothing's changed.
3 people I adore and used to have some great times with back in Umphang. (DotCom! Karaoke! Chuckles!) are going back to Umphang today for meetings. The plan is for a karaoke reunion. I'm so jealous! If only I weren't starting work today I would be on my way back to the place I called home to drink some Hong Tong and sing some Cher. Oh well, another opportunity will present itself, I think.
There used to be maybe 3 restaurants that had gringo food, a 7-11, a small supermarket which was very new when I arrived and...I think that was about it in terms of big city-type conveniences. Now there are at least 4 7-11's, a KFC, and more gringo-serving restaurants than I would have ever expected. There's also a new bar called "Expat Bar." If that isn't telling, I don't know what is.
My new place is very different from anywhere I've lived in Thailand. It's an apartment in a concrete building across the street from a small market and maybe 15 minutes biking to the city center. I have wifi, aircon, a tv with cable (3 english channels!) and a flushing toilet. I've never lived with a flushing toilet in this country! I don't know what to do with myself, it feels like all of the things that made life interesting, challenging and fun are missing from my experience this time around. I suppose that just means that I'm going to have a whole new experience, which is just fine.
I'm going to start Thai lessons later this week. I never studied Thai when I lived here before and I really should have. I learned plenty to get by, but it would be fantastic to be more competent. I am a little torn, though. Given that I work with Burmese it would be so useful to learn that as well, or even instead. I know that I'll have opportunity to practice both and in two months I can't learn much of either, let alone both.
Seeing old friends and feeling as though things are very familiar is helping me feel grounded, though it's definitely strange to have been gone so long and then come back like this. Everything's changed and nothing's changed.
3 people I adore and used to have some great times with back in Umphang. (DotCom! Karaoke! Chuckles!) are going back to Umphang today for meetings. The plan is for a karaoke reunion. I'm so jealous! If only I weren't starting work today I would be on my way back to the place I called home to drink some Hong Tong and sing some Cher. Oh well, another opportunity will present itself, I think.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
I hate people
I hate meeting new people. I get nervous, which makes me tired, and then I can't switch on and be as charming as I want to be.
Coming back, I have to meet a lot of people. I don't have anything against anyone, I'm just nervous to be here, to feel so much pressure to make a good impression and to have to network.
I don't like to talk like this, but I wish I were more interesting and interested, I wish I weren't so tired, I wish I were more engaging and less awkward. I wish I was someone that people liked quickly.
That's all.
Note: It occurred to me while I was thinking about this little post that the problem probably isn't that I hate people, but that I'm not really ok with myself. *sigh* Back to the mat.
Coming back, I have to meet a lot of people. I don't have anything against anyone, I'm just nervous to be here, to feel so much pressure to make a good impression and to have to network.
I don't like to talk like this, but I wish I were more interesting and interested, I wish I weren't so tired, I wish I were more engaging and less awkward. I wish I was someone that people liked quickly.
That's all.
Note: It occurred to me while I was thinking about this little post that the problem probably isn't that I hate people, but that I'm not really ok with myself. *sigh* Back to the mat.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Back in the Big Mango
I've returned to Thailand. After two and a half years away, I've come back. I want to say I've come back home, but I don't quite know if that's appropriate.
Landed in Bangkok last night around 1:00 a.m. and as soon as I stepped off the plane onto the gangway, I felt the uniquely Southeast Asian heat and humidity and, more than anything, *smelled* Thailand.
The familiarity I feel being here again is an incredible gift. To find myself comfortable and happy in such a beautiful country is something that I'm feeling very grateful for. The guesthouse is the same, perhaps a little different (free wifi!) but mostly the same. I even tripped on the same stair that I sprained my ankle on almost 4 years ago. I was checked in last night by the girl who checked me in when I last passed through Bangkok. The market nearby is the same, today I bought cheap DVDs from the same woman I bought them from 3 years ago.
Over the next few days, I'll see friends who live in Bangkok now, people I shared my life in Umphang with. I'm so excited to see them and also afraid. Maybe I've missed them more than they've missed me. Maybe too much has changed since we were last together. Maybe, though, we'll hug and smile and eat together and gossip about the people we know and about what's happened. Maybe we still love each other like we did.
I move to Mae Sot on Monday. I'm nervous. Mae Sot was (and I'm sure still is) and expat clusterf**k of pretty incredible proportions. When I lived in Umphang, it felt a world away, too fast and full to be comfortable. I'd feel overwhelmed walking into the coffee shop to see so many expats and such a sleek shop in the middle of that border town. It felt so distant from my peaceful life and small community in Umphang. Now I have to live there. Perhaps with being there, rather than passing through, it will feel less overwhelming and I'll find some sense of community.
I had a moment last night while I was falling asleep. A moment of anxiety. So many people I knew and loved aren't here anymore. What if what I loved about Thailand was the people I knew? What if Thailand doesn't want me back? What if it doesn't resonate as my spiritual home like it did before? What on earth am I *doing* here?
That moment has mostly passed. Of course, I'm apprehensive about moving somewhere I've not lived before and meeting new people as I start with a new organization, but I'm confident that, one way or another, I'll find my rhythm and space to place my feet on the ground.
Landed in Bangkok last night around 1:00 a.m. and as soon as I stepped off the plane onto the gangway, I felt the uniquely Southeast Asian heat and humidity and, more than anything, *smelled* Thailand.
The familiarity I feel being here again is an incredible gift. To find myself comfortable and happy in such a beautiful country is something that I'm feeling very grateful for. The guesthouse is the same, perhaps a little different (free wifi!) but mostly the same. I even tripped on the same stair that I sprained my ankle on almost 4 years ago. I was checked in last night by the girl who checked me in when I last passed through Bangkok. The market nearby is the same, today I bought cheap DVDs from the same woman I bought them from 3 years ago.
Over the next few days, I'll see friends who live in Bangkok now, people I shared my life in Umphang with. I'm so excited to see them and also afraid. Maybe I've missed them more than they've missed me. Maybe too much has changed since we were last together. Maybe, though, we'll hug and smile and eat together and gossip about the people we know and about what's happened. Maybe we still love each other like we did.
I move to Mae Sot on Monday. I'm nervous. Mae Sot was (and I'm sure still is) and expat clusterf**k of pretty incredible proportions. When I lived in Umphang, it felt a world away, too fast and full to be comfortable. I'd feel overwhelmed walking into the coffee shop to see so many expats and such a sleek shop in the middle of that border town. It felt so distant from my peaceful life and small community in Umphang. Now I have to live there. Perhaps with being there, rather than passing through, it will feel less overwhelming and I'll find some sense of community.
I had a moment last night while I was falling asleep. A moment of anxiety. So many people I knew and loved aren't here anymore. What if what I loved about Thailand was the people I knew? What if Thailand doesn't want me back? What if it doesn't resonate as my spiritual home like it did before? What on earth am I *doing* here?
That moment has mostly passed. Of course, I'm apprehensive about moving somewhere I've not lived before and meeting new people as I start with a new organization, but I'm confident that, one way or another, I'll find my rhythm and space to place my feet on the ground.
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