Back in the Big Mango

I've returned to Thailand. After two and a half years away, I've come back. I want to say I've come back home, but I don't quite know if that's appropriate.

Landed in Bangkok last night around 1:00 a.m. and as soon as I stepped off the plane onto the gangway, I felt the uniquely Southeast Asian heat and humidity and, more than anything, *smelled* Thailand.

The familiarity I feel being here again is an incredible gift. To find myself comfortable and happy in such a beautiful country is something that I'm feeling very grateful for. The guesthouse is the same, perhaps a little different (free wifi!) but mostly the same. I even tripped on the same stair that I sprained my ankle on almost 4 years ago. I was checked in last night by the girl who checked me in when I last passed through Bangkok. The market nearby is the same, today I bought cheap DVDs from the same woman I bought them from 3 years ago.

Over the next few days, I'll see friends who live in Bangkok now, people I shared my life in Umphang with. I'm so excited to see them and also afraid. Maybe I've missed them more than they've missed me. Maybe too much has changed since we were last together. Maybe, though, we'll hug and smile and eat together and gossip about the people we know and about what's happened. Maybe we still love each other like we did.

I move to Mae Sot on Monday. I'm nervous. Mae Sot was (and I'm sure still is) and expat clusterf**k of pretty incredible proportions. When I lived in Umphang, it felt a world away, too fast and full to be comfortable. I'd feel overwhelmed walking into the coffee shop to see so many expats and such a sleek shop in the middle of that border town. It felt so distant from my peaceful life and small community in Umphang. Now I have to live there. Perhaps with being there, rather than passing through, it will feel less overwhelming and I'll find some sense of community.

I had a moment last night while I was falling asleep. A moment of anxiety. So many people I knew and loved aren't here anymore. What if what I loved about Thailand was the people I knew? What if Thailand doesn't want me back? What if it doesn't resonate as my spiritual home like it did before? What on earth am I *doing* here?

That moment has mostly passed. Of course, I'm apprehensive about moving somewhere I've not lived before and meeting new people as I start with a new organization, but I'm confident that, one way or another, I'll find my rhythm and space to place my feet on the ground.