You won't see what you don't want to see

I'm struggling right now with this issue of people not seeing what they don't want to see.

Here in Thailand, a reasearch project was just completed that tells us a lot about the nature of sexual violence in camp. Who it happens to, how, when, why...all of these things. It's been hard to read and talk about as well as very important. My own work has been meant to build on this and expand on our understanding of how livelihoods factors both contribute to sexual and domestic violence as well as how it might mitigate risk.

I have asked more than 30 people about violence and women and I have heard rape come up twice, domestic violence described as "arguing in the family" and that's about it. People just don't have answers to the questions. Whether they don't think about these things the way that I'm presenting them, or if they don't want to tell someone they don't know about them is something I'm unsure of. It has been frustrating, anyway.

Just the other day I became drawn into a situation in the US. Someone reached out in general for help with a sexual assault issue, and I reached back. Am I a social worker? No. Do I know more about sexual violence than the average person? Yes.

A bizarre...I actually shouldn't call it bizarre because it happens all the time, so...disturbing situation was described to me in which a young girl has clearly been assaulted and wound up in the hospital as a result, but her guardians have offered a "she fell down the stairs"-style excuse. What disturbs me is that I wasn't asked for resources, or what to do, I was asked if it made any sense that she would have "fallen down the stairs."

In case no one is paying attention, that's ABSURD.

I offered my opinion on whether it was likely that things had happened the way the guardians said they did, and a slew of resources, I woke up today and, clearly, nothing has been done. I'm jumping out of my skin in frustration and anger. That's a little girl! Who has been hurt! And everyone around her who could possibly help her is content to accept a ridiculous explanation in place of doing something difficult. No one has stepped up in what has certainly been more than 48 hours and said "hey, that's not ok and I don't believe you so I'm going to make a fuss until someone starts paying attention." That little girl is powerless, she may not even understand what's happened to her. She knows it was scary and hurt her, she knows that the adults responsible for her well-being are lying about it. She knows that she's supposed to be ashamed of what happened because no one's giving her space to be hurt and scared and to talk about what's happened, if she's ready. Everyone's too busy covering their own asses or "processing" the experience for themselves.

I say SHAME on everyone involved.

Both of these things reinforce something I have come to believe, that people won't see the ugly or uncomfortable or even heinous things if they don't *have* to. People are really content on some level to turn away and pretend something isn't happening. People are hesitant to name bad things and make them real by talking about them.

I don't know what to say to end this post...I suppose that anyone concerned about any kind of wrong in the world is fighting an uphill battle because people don't even see the hard stuff. And not because it's not there to see, but because they just don't want to.

David Sedaris on Eating in China

A friend just sent me this little piece of writing and I really really like it. David Sedaris comments on his experience of China, particularly eating. I love this because it's *true* because there are moments when what I see around me squicks me so bad, I don't know how I'll ever eat again.

There is a certain conscious separation that my mind needs to make sometimes to be able to eat without thinking about where the food, dishes or chef has been and what they might have been doing before food arrives in from of me. I'm not alone in this.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/jul/15/david-sedaris-chinese-food-chicken-toenails

Enjoy

Hurt. Forgiveness. Letting Go.

The Buddha always told his disciples not to waste their time and energy in metaphysical speculation. Whenever he was asked a metaphysical question, he remained silent. Instead, he directed his disciples toward practical efforts. Questioned one day about the problem of the infinity of the world, the Buddha said, "Whether the world is finite or infinite, limited or unlimited, the problem of your liberation remains the same." Another time he said, "Suppose a man is struck by a poisoned arrow and the doctor wishes to take out the arrow immediately. Suppose the man does not want the arrow removed until he knows who shot it, his age, his parents, and why he shot it. What would happen? If he were to wait until all these questions have been answered, the man might die first." Life is so short. It must not be spent in endless metaphysical speculation that does not bring us any closer to the truth.

- Thich Nhat Hanh, in Zen Keys

For a while now, it's been sort of fascinating to see how quickly all of the work I've done on myself, all of the tools in my emotional toolbox and all of my practice of yoga and meditation goes straight out the window when I'm hurt. My descent into a nasty spiral of suffering is quick and without, it feels, any opportunity to grab onto a lifeline or tool that might mitigate my emotional crash and burn.

I was just hurt really badly. I'm still reeling from the shock. Lots of history, disagreement, miscommunication, misunderstanding and broken promises stacked on top of the painful event itself to leave me trapped in pain, shock and confusion. Having the carpet ripped out from under you is never pleasant, and this time it was made worse than usual by the fact that I had partly expected it, or at least something like it to happen, and that it was so much worse than I'd imagined.

The other party deserves credit for not lying once he was called out on it. But it was clear from how bad the situation is that he had no intention from the beginning of coming clean. That hurts too.

I feel hurt, humiliated, angry, betrayed. Part of me wants to slash and burn everything to the ground and walk away.

Like in Buddha's parable, I want so much to know the why, how, when, etc. Even though I'm aware that it may not be productive to ask. And though we've already started trying to heal this mess, I have so many moments when I feel thrown right back into the worst of it, where I don't know if there's ground underneath me, or if there has ever been, or if there ever will be again. Honestly, when that happens, I want to drag everyone in there with me, punishing the wrongdoers and anyone I might think is in any way complicit.

I'm trying to be aware of these feelings, and I hope awareness will help me act rather than react, to make conscious choices about how I want to move forward, for myself as much as and probably more than anyone else. *This* is a practice. This is possibly the hardest thing to which I've tried to bring self-awareness and all of the practices that make up my life. I'm asking myself what to do. Asking questions like "What *is* the yoga practice for coming away from betrayal?" and "What principles can I use to sort this out?" Mostly, though, while I try to keep everything on a reflective and intentional level, mostly all I'm looking for is how to feel better. I'm aware of that too. The thing that sucks most about that is that I know that feeling better, without those moments of remembering that feel like getting punched in the stomach or having the room flip upside down, is a long way away.

I know that the way to get over hurt is to lean into it, to go through it, or it never stops. I'm so screwed.

Work and Compassion Fatigue

A lot of people tell me I'm amazing for what I do. I'm not. I'm dreadfully human.

Work is hard. With the project what I do all day is wander around a refugee camp, complete with the mud and garbage and everything else, usually in the rain this time of year, and with very little idea of what can be done for anyone. I ask people to talk with me and we sit down and talk for a while, I ask questions and they talk. They tell me awful things, missing children, rape, corruption, hopelessness, or worse, faith in something that won't happen for the vast majority. I listen and write, ask thoughtful follow-up questions, and maintain my composure even when I want to get up and walk away. And when one interview is done, I go and find another one.

I suppose it's not surprising that, difficulties with my translator aside, I've hit a wall pretty quickly in terms of what I'm able to absorb. I'm not sure, with reflection, what it is that gets to me so badly. Is it being faced with so much difficulty? Is it being unable to do *anything* while interacting with people who believe I can and will do something? Whatever it is, parts of me have started shutting down. I've found myself dissociating during interviews so that I've relied a few times very heavily on notes I don't remember writing and recordings that I listen to later. I've been unable to get out of bed a few times.

I'm not sure that this means that I'm not cut out for any of this, I do think that the pace at which I've been trying to work is the problem as well as the desire to do serious and good work for the organization, for school and, more than anything, for the people I'm talking to.

Thailand is Amazing

There's something about the heat and humidity that makes everything sort of surreal. The rain is hard and lasts for days, but when it stops the streets are clear in a matter of minutes. Where does it all go? Creatures grow bigger than in the states, too. Huge beetles, dragonflies, butterflies seem like they're out of a storybook. And it's so green, I'm from Washington State and I've never seen such green!

There are some challenging things about Thailand. The language is really hard, something like 66 letters in the alphabet render it unreadable to me (I can recognize and pronounce exactly 1 letter) and the tones make it difficult to pick up even a few phrases. Add to that the fact that no one expects a white girl to speak any Thai, and even what I know I can say pretty well gets ignored most of the time.

Names are tricky, too. Most every Thai has a formal name and a nickname. Nicknames are in no way related to the formal name. It's not like Kate for Katherine, or Meg for Margaret. It's like Golf for Pongsakorn or DiNi for Thibhyana. No way to know, looking at one, what the other might be. This is especially funny when you get an email with 4 Thais CCed and you're told to contact one of them, using their nickname, for whatever your question is. You have no choice but to reply all, because there's no way to know who Noi is out of the list of names.

Cycling's an adventure too. There are loose rules governing roadways, but it's not unusual to have someone come up the wrong side of the street on their motorbike or to have someone parked literally in the middle of the road. At first, this irritated me, but now I think of it as an adventure. I know that I need to pay attention and be aggressive without doing anything stupid, and I know that I'll see some crazy stuff, and that's just how it is!

Those things are extremely random. But they are little things I like about Thailand. I suppose those are some of the things that make it feel like an exotic adventure.

Oh, Thailand.