Hurt. Forgiveness. Letting Go.

The Buddha always told his disciples not to waste their time and energy in metaphysical speculation. Whenever he was asked a metaphysical question, he remained silent. Instead, he directed his disciples toward practical efforts. Questioned one day about the problem of the infinity of the world, the Buddha said, "Whether the world is finite or infinite, limited or unlimited, the problem of your liberation remains the same." Another time he said, "Suppose a man is struck by a poisoned arrow and the doctor wishes to take out the arrow immediately. Suppose the man does not want the arrow removed until he knows who shot it, his age, his parents, and why he shot it. What would happen? If he were to wait until all these questions have been answered, the man might die first." Life is so short. It must not be spent in endless metaphysical speculation that does not bring us any closer to the truth.

- Thich Nhat Hanh, in Zen Keys

For a while now, it's been sort of fascinating to see how quickly all of the work I've done on myself, all of the tools in my emotional toolbox and all of my practice of yoga and meditation goes straight out the window when I'm hurt. My descent into a nasty spiral of suffering is quick and without, it feels, any opportunity to grab onto a lifeline or tool that might mitigate my emotional crash and burn.

I was just hurt really badly. I'm still reeling from the shock. Lots of history, disagreement, miscommunication, misunderstanding and broken promises stacked on top of the painful event itself to leave me trapped in pain, shock and confusion. Having the carpet ripped out from under you is never pleasant, and this time it was made worse than usual by the fact that I had partly expected it, or at least something like it to happen, and that it was so much worse than I'd imagined.

The other party deserves credit for not lying once he was called out on it. But it was clear from how bad the situation is that he had no intention from the beginning of coming clean. That hurts too.

I feel hurt, humiliated, angry, betrayed. Part of me wants to slash and burn everything to the ground and walk away.

Like in Buddha's parable, I want so much to know the why, how, when, etc. Even though I'm aware that it may not be productive to ask. And though we've already started trying to heal this mess, I have so many moments when I feel thrown right back into the worst of it, where I don't know if there's ground underneath me, or if there has ever been, or if there ever will be again. Honestly, when that happens, I want to drag everyone in there with me, punishing the wrongdoers and anyone I might think is in any way complicit.

I'm trying to be aware of these feelings, and I hope awareness will help me act rather than react, to make conscious choices about how I want to move forward, for myself as much as and probably more than anyone else. *This* is a practice. This is possibly the hardest thing to which I've tried to bring self-awareness and all of the practices that make up my life. I'm asking myself what to do. Asking questions like "What *is* the yoga practice for coming away from betrayal?" and "What principles can I use to sort this out?" Mostly, though, while I try to keep everything on a reflective and intentional level, mostly all I'm looking for is how to feel better. I'm aware of that too. The thing that sucks most about that is that I know that feeling better, without those moments of remembering that feel like getting punched in the stomach or having the room flip upside down, is a long way away.

I know that the way to get over hurt is to lean into it, to go through it, or it never stops. I'm so screwed.