The Great Alpha Beta War of 2011

Since I moved in with my partner, things have been great. I like living with him, I love him even more than I did before and I'm grateful to have our home together to keep functioning while I'm bored.

We've had significant problem since joining households; my dog isn't happy with the new pack dynamics.

Suddenly, she's aggressive and confrontational when she had never been before. She still listens to my partner, no problem, but she'll harass and ignore me in turns until I want to lock her in the bathroom or something (which, for the record, I never do).

It's been suggested that the problem is that in our previous life, there were two of us and she was ok with accepting me as the alpha leader of our little pack. Now that the pack has expanded, she's not quite sure which of us is number 2 and which is the lowliest member of our pack. Having clearly accepted mister as the boss, she's fighting me for the second-in-command spot.

We'll just have to see how this all shakes out, I'm working on some training exercises with her to try and reestablish dominance and hopefully it will help. So far, it just seems to make her nervous.

Adventures in Unemployment

I have a friend who spent her period of unemployment calling it her "funemployment" and had parties and things to celebrate it.

I'm not really up to planning parties these days, but I am doing my best to enjoy the flexibility I have in my life right now to go where I want and do what I want, even if that means sitting on the couch listening to Billie Holiday and knitting. 

Insecurity creeps in, certainly, but I do my best to remember that I have been a productive member of humanity and will be again. Baking, cooking, cleaning, stuff like this help me feel like I'm accomplishing little things. Thinking about the future, about next year at school, my thesis and life after that also help me feel productive. 

I'm volunteering. Secretly, I'm not a very good volunteer. If people aren't clear with me about where I should be and when, I tend to not show up. I know those that coordinate volunteers don't want to do that because a volunteer doesn't have to listen to them, but I wish they would more often with me. helping out at the meditation center is great, though. It puts me in the meditation center to begin with, which exponentially increases the likelihood that I'll practice. The work they ask me to do isn't complicated or taxing, it's all completely manageable and, frankly, it's nice to be given permission to dust a staircase and just do only that for a while.

Anyway, life isn't terribly interesting right now, I'm mostly just keeping on and that's ok.

Moving In

I'm finishing up the process of moving in with my partner. It's scary and wonderful and exciting and natural, all at the same time.

We've been together a month and a half short of a year, when I was making my decision to take a leave of absence from school, he asked if I would move in. At first I said I wouldn't, that I didn't think we should rush something like that just because of life circumstance and we were planning on it in a few months anyway. But life circumstance and love prevailed and when we discussed it again we agreed that the time was right.

Moving out of my old place was stressful, my landlords are sort of aggressive and I was not feeling like I wanted to deal with them more than I had to. Moving in, though, was really lovely. Integrating stuff, setting up an office space, even making a trip to Ikea were all things that made me feel connected to my partner and settled in myself and in Boston.

Learning to live with a partner is a new thing for me. I'm excited and nervous about it, but I'm also optimistic that this is the right thing and a good thing. 

Leave of Absence

I made it back from Thailand in (more or less) one piece. One battered and weary piece, but whole nonetheless.

I spent a couple of weeks in Seattle with my family. I kept thinking I just needed a few more days of rest to be able to conquer the world, my report write-up, and my thesis. Just a few turned into quite a few. I just never shook the emotional and physical fatigue of the work in Thailand. But I knew I'd go back to Boston and I'd be fine.

I returned to Boston and got ready to start a new school year. My partner and I had a great time settling him into his new apartment and going camping. I was still tired, but I was sure I'd get started on the semester and I'd be fine.

I started the semester. I tried to start the semester. I laid out detailed plans for finishing my thesis. I chose courses I was excited about. I spent time in the library. I was going to be fine.

Then one morning I woke up and realized that I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I had been so sure that I wanted to go back and do this work once I graduated. I wanted to go back to Thailand and work on the border. I knew something about livelihoods and income generation programs, so that was what I was going to do. I had known it would be fine.

Now, though, I'm realizing that I'm deeply disturbed by what I learned this time around. What I learned about people, the aid industry, and myself. I don't want to do that work anymore. I don't think I *can* do it ethically. I'm not sure it's possible to do ethically. I'm only just beginning to pick apart the issues of privilege involved and it bothers me. It bothers me that it took going back after a break for me to really see what I already knew was there and that no one else seems to be calling attention to these issues.

There is something that feels very wrong about people like me, young, clueless, without language skills or necessarily strong backgrounds in what we're in a country to "help" with, being paid multiple times what a local person would make and getting to ride around in trucks, live in big houses, have cable tv, and complain about the lack of peanut butter. It's absurd, really. And no one seems to be thinking about this or pointing it out. That simulation I did back in April scared me, and now I see why a bit better. All of those people, students at Harvard, Tufts, and MIT, will have no problem getting one of these jobs. And they're fucking clueless. I don't want to be a part of an industry that perpetuates such blatant privilege. I can't do that.

A leave of absence for my own sanity was necessary. I'm going to take this year to reflect and reevaluate. I will go back to school next Fall, but I'll go with either a much more open mind about what I might do or a plan that feels sustainable and manageable to me. While I'm scared, I'm also excited about what the future might hold. It will be fine.

You won't see what you don't want to see

I'm struggling right now with this issue of people not seeing what they don't want to see.

Here in Thailand, a reasearch project was just completed that tells us a lot about the nature of sexual violence in camp. Who it happens to, how, when, why...all of these things. It's been hard to read and talk about as well as very important. My own work has been meant to build on this and expand on our understanding of how livelihoods factors both contribute to sexual and domestic violence as well as how it might mitigate risk.

I have asked more than 30 people about violence and women and I have heard rape come up twice, domestic violence described as "arguing in the family" and that's about it. People just don't have answers to the questions. Whether they don't think about these things the way that I'm presenting them, or if they don't want to tell someone they don't know about them is something I'm unsure of. It has been frustrating, anyway.

Just the other day I became drawn into a situation in the US. Someone reached out in general for help with a sexual assault issue, and I reached back. Am I a social worker? No. Do I know more about sexual violence than the average person? Yes.

A bizarre...I actually shouldn't call it bizarre because it happens all the time, so...disturbing situation was described to me in which a young girl has clearly been assaulted and wound up in the hospital as a result, but her guardians have offered a "she fell down the stairs"-style excuse. What disturbs me is that I wasn't asked for resources, or what to do, I was asked if it made any sense that she would have "fallen down the stairs."

In case no one is paying attention, that's ABSURD.

I offered my opinion on whether it was likely that things had happened the way the guardians said they did, and a slew of resources, I woke up today and, clearly, nothing has been done. I'm jumping out of my skin in frustration and anger. That's a little girl! Who has been hurt! And everyone around her who could possibly help her is content to accept a ridiculous explanation in place of doing something difficult. No one has stepped up in what has certainly been more than 48 hours and said "hey, that's not ok and I don't believe you so I'm going to make a fuss until someone starts paying attention." That little girl is powerless, she may not even understand what's happened to her. She knows it was scary and hurt her, she knows that the adults responsible for her well-being are lying about it. She knows that she's supposed to be ashamed of what happened because no one's giving her space to be hurt and scared and to talk about what's happened, if she's ready. Everyone's too busy covering their own asses or "processing" the experience for themselves.

I say SHAME on everyone involved.

Both of these things reinforce something I have come to believe, that people won't see the ugly or uncomfortable or even heinous things if they don't *have* to. People are really content on some level to turn away and pretend something isn't happening. People are hesitant to name bad things and make them real by talking about them.

I don't know what to say to end this post...I suppose that anyone concerned about any kind of wrong in the world is fighting an uphill battle because people don't even see the hard stuff. And not because it's not there to see, but because they just don't want to.

David Sedaris on Eating in China

A friend just sent me this little piece of writing and I really really like it. David Sedaris comments on his experience of China, particularly eating. I love this because it's *true* because there are moments when what I see around me squicks me so bad, I don't know how I'll ever eat again.

There is a certain conscious separation that my mind needs to make sometimes to be able to eat without thinking about where the food, dishes or chef has been and what they might have been doing before food arrives in from of me. I'm not alone in this.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/jul/15/david-sedaris-chinese-food-chicken-toenails

Enjoy

Hurt. Forgiveness. Letting Go.

The Buddha always told his disciples not to waste their time and energy in metaphysical speculation. Whenever he was asked a metaphysical question, he remained silent. Instead, he directed his disciples toward practical efforts. Questioned one day about the problem of the infinity of the world, the Buddha said, "Whether the world is finite or infinite, limited or unlimited, the problem of your liberation remains the same." Another time he said, "Suppose a man is struck by a poisoned arrow and the doctor wishes to take out the arrow immediately. Suppose the man does not want the arrow removed until he knows who shot it, his age, his parents, and why he shot it. What would happen? If he were to wait until all these questions have been answered, the man might die first." Life is so short. It must not be spent in endless metaphysical speculation that does not bring us any closer to the truth.

- Thich Nhat Hanh, in Zen Keys

For a while now, it's been sort of fascinating to see how quickly all of the work I've done on myself, all of the tools in my emotional toolbox and all of my practice of yoga and meditation goes straight out the window when I'm hurt. My descent into a nasty spiral of suffering is quick and without, it feels, any opportunity to grab onto a lifeline or tool that might mitigate my emotional crash and burn.

I was just hurt really badly. I'm still reeling from the shock. Lots of history, disagreement, miscommunication, misunderstanding and broken promises stacked on top of the painful event itself to leave me trapped in pain, shock and confusion. Having the carpet ripped out from under you is never pleasant, and this time it was made worse than usual by the fact that I had partly expected it, or at least something like it to happen, and that it was so much worse than I'd imagined.

The other party deserves credit for not lying once he was called out on it. But it was clear from how bad the situation is that he had no intention from the beginning of coming clean. That hurts too.

I feel hurt, humiliated, angry, betrayed. Part of me wants to slash and burn everything to the ground and walk away.

Like in Buddha's parable, I want so much to know the why, how, when, etc. Even though I'm aware that it may not be productive to ask. And though we've already started trying to heal this mess, I have so many moments when I feel thrown right back into the worst of it, where I don't know if there's ground underneath me, or if there has ever been, or if there ever will be again. Honestly, when that happens, I want to drag everyone in there with me, punishing the wrongdoers and anyone I might think is in any way complicit.

I'm trying to be aware of these feelings, and I hope awareness will help me act rather than react, to make conscious choices about how I want to move forward, for myself as much as and probably more than anyone else. *This* is a practice. This is possibly the hardest thing to which I've tried to bring self-awareness and all of the practices that make up my life. I'm asking myself what to do. Asking questions like "What *is* the yoga practice for coming away from betrayal?" and "What principles can I use to sort this out?" Mostly, though, while I try to keep everything on a reflective and intentional level, mostly all I'm looking for is how to feel better. I'm aware of that too. The thing that sucks most about that is that I know that feeling better, without those moments of remembering that feel like getting punched in the stomach or having the room flip upside down, is a long way away.

I know that the way to get over hurt is to lean into it, to go through it, or it never stops. I'm so screwed.

Work and Compassion Fatigue

A lot of people tell me I'm amazing for what I do. I'm not. I'm dreadfully human.

Work is hard. With the project what I do all day is wander around a refugee camp, complete with the mud and garbage and everything else, usually in the rain this time of year, and with very little idea of what can be done for anyone. I ask people to talk with me and we sit down and talk for a while, I ask questions and they talk. They tell me awful things, missing children, rape, corruption, hopelessness, or worse, faith in something that won't happen for the vast majority. I listen and write, ask thoughtful follow-up questions, and maintain my composure even when I want to get up and walk away. And when one interview is done, I go and find another one.

I suppose it's not surprising that, difficulties with my translator aside, I've hit a wall pretty quickly in terms of what I'm able to absorb. I'm not sure, with reflection, what it is that gets to me so badly. Is it being faced with so much difficulty? Is it being unable to do *anything* while interacting with people who believe I can and will do something? Whatever it is, parts of me have started shutting down. I've found myself dissociating during interviews so that I've relied a few times very heavily on notes I don't remember writing and recordings that I listen to later. I've been unable to get out of bed a few times.

I'm not sure that this means that I'm not cut out for any of this, I do think that the pace at which I've been trying to work is the problem as well as the desire to do serious and good work for the organization, for school and, more than anything, for the people I'm talking to.

Thailand is Amazing

There's something about the heat and humidity that makes everything sort of surreal. The rain is hard and lasts for days, but when it stops the streets are clear in a matter of minutes. Where does it all go? Creatures grow bigger than in the states, too. Huge beetles, dragonflies, butterflies seem like they're out of a storybook. And it's so green, I'm from Washington State and I've never seen such green!

There are some challenging things about Thailand. The language is really hard, something like 66 letters in the alphabet render it unreadable to me (I can recognize and pronounce exactly 1 letter) and the tones make it difficult to pick up even a few phrases. Add to that the fact that no one expects a white girl to speak any Thai, and even what I know I can say pretty well gets ignored most of the time.

Names are tricky, too. Most every Thai has a formal name and a nickname. Nicknames are in no way related to the formal name. It's not like Kate for Katherine, or Meg for Margaret. It's like Golf for Pongsakorn or DiNi for Thibhyana. No way to know, looking at one, what the other might be. This is especially funny when you get an email with 4 Thais CCed and you're told to contact one of them, using their nickname, for whatever your question is. You have no choice but to reply all, because there's no way to know who Noi is out of the list of names.

Cycling's an adventure too. There are loose rules governing roadways, but it's not unusual to have someone come up the wrong side of the street on their motorbike or to have someone parked literally in the middle of the road. At first, this irritated me, but now I think of it as an adventure. I know that I need to pay attention and be aggressive without doing anything stupid, and I know that I'll see some crazy stuff, and that's just how it is!

Those things are extremely random. But they are little things I like about Thailand. I suppose those are some of the things that make it feel like an exotic adventure.

Oh, Thailand.

Camp!

Today was my first day in camp. It was incredible how wonderfully familiar so many things were, the thatched roofs on little bamboo homes, bumpy roads and NGO signs everywhere. The smells of cheroots and betel nut took me right back to 2 years ago. The taste of Karen food and white rice almost made me tear up. The familiarity of everything, in spite of the newness, is almost more disorientating than a completely new and different experience would be. Words in Karen and Burmese that I didn't remember have started coming back, and I don't know how to feel about all of it. Mostly content, I think. Sort of unsettled also.

I'm excited and intimidated to be beginning this work, this project I have ahead of me. I know it's all a learning experience, and I also know that it won't all go according to plan. Right now that feels exciting, I'm pretty sure it won't when things start going wrong.

Whoa! It flushes?: Arriving in Mae Sot

I arrived in Mae Sot yesterday and this place has changed.

There used to be maybe 3 restaurants that had gringo food, a 7-11, a small supermarket which was very new when I arrived and...I think that was about it in terms of big city-type conveniences. Now there are at least 4 7-11's, a KFC, and more gringo-serving restaurants than I would have ever expected. There's also a new bar called "Expat Bar." If that isn't telling, I don't know what is.

My new place is very different from anywhere I've lived in Thailand. It's an apartment in a concrete building across the street from a small market and maybe 15 minutes biking to the city center. I have wifi, aircon, a tv with cable (3 english channels!) and a flushing toilet. I've never lived with a flushing toilet in this country! I don't know what to do with myself, it feels like all of the things that made life interesting, challenging and fun are missing from my experience this time around. I suppose that just means that I'm going to have a whole new experience, which is just fine.

I'm going to start Thai lessons later this week. I never studied Thai when I lived here before and I really should have. I learned plenty to get by, but it would be fantastic to be more competent. I am a little torn, though. Given that I work with Burmese it would be so useful to learn that as well, or even instead. I know that I'll have opportunity to practice both and in two months I can't learn much of either, let alone both.

Seeing old friends and feeling as though things are very familiar is helping me feel grounded, though it's definitely strange to have been gone so long and then come back like this. Everything's changed and nothing's changed.

3 people I adore and used to have some great times with back in Umphang. (DotCom! Karaoke! Chuckles!) are going back to Umphang today for meetings. The plan is for a karaoke reunion. I'm so jealous! If only I weren't starting work today I would be on my way back to the place I called home to drink some Hong Tong and sing some Cher. Oh well, another opportunity will present itself, I think.

I hate people

I hate meeting new people. I get nervous, which makes me tired, and then I can't switch on and be as charming as I want to be.

Coming back, I have to meet a lot of people. I don't have anything against anyone, I'm just nervous to be here, to feel so much pressure to make a good impression and to have to network.

I don't like to talk like this, but I wish I were more interesting and interested, I wish I weren't so tired, I wish I were more engaging and less awkward. I wish I was someone that people liked quickly.

That's all.

Note: It occurred to me while I was thinking about this little post that the problem probably isn't that I hate people, but that I'm not really ok with myself. *sigh* Back to the mat.

Back in the Big Mango

I've returned to Thailand. After two and a half years away, I've come back. I want to say I've come back home, but I don't quite know if that's appropriate.

Landed in Bangkok last night around 1:00 a.m. and as soon as I stepped off the plane onto the gangway, I felt the uniquely Southeast Asian heat and humidity and, more than anything, *smelled* Thailand.

The familiarity I feel being here again is an incredible gift. To find myself comfortable and happy in such a beautiful country is something that I'm feeling very grateful for. The guesthouse is the same, perhaps a little different (free wifi!) but mostly the same. I even tripped on the same stair that I sprained my ankle on almost 4 years ago. I was checked in last night by the girl who checked me in when I last passed through Bangkok. The market nearby is the same, today I bought cheap DVDs from the same woman I bought them from 3 years ago.

Over the next few days, I'll see friends who live in Bangkok now, people I shared my life in Umphang with. I'm so excited to see them and also afraid. Maybe I've missed them more than they've missed me. Maybe too much has changed since we were last together. Maybe, though, we'll hug and smile and eat together and gossip about the people we know and about what's happened. Maybe we still love each other like we did.

I move to Mae Sot on Monday. I'm nervous. Mae Sot was (and I'm sure still is) and expat clusterf**k of pretty incredible proportions. When I lived in Umphang, it felt a world away, too fast and full to be comfortable. I'd feel overwhelmed walking into the coffee shop to see so many expats and such a sleek shop in the middle of that border town. It felt so distant from my peaceful life and small community in Umphang. Now I have to live there. Perhaps with being there, rather than passing through, it will feel less overwhelming and I'll find some sense of community.

I had a moment last night while I was falling asleep. A moment of anxiety. So many people I knew and loved aren't here anymore. What if what I loved about Thailand was the people I knew? What if Thailand doesn't want me back? What if it doesn't resonate as my spiritual home like it did before? What on earth am I *doing* here?

That moment has mostly passed. Of course, I'm apprehensive about moving somewhere I've not lived before and meeting new people as I start with a new organization, but I'm confident that, one way or another, I'll find my rhythm and space to place my feet on the ground.